“The only constants in life are change and change.”
With regards to online dating pick up lines, things that may have worked in the past do not work anymore. As humans, we are biologically created to evolve. Online dating still has a human element, even if it involves a computer screen. The messages below simply do not work anymore. Some of them are kind of funny. Some of them are not and never did really “work” online. In the prior world of online dating, these openers may have gotten some men laid. Today, they will get you laughed at, called out, or ignored.
DO NOT USE THESE ONLINE DATING PICK UP LINES, EVER!
Most girls that have been online for more than a month have received these online dating pick up lines or something similar numerous times:
“Just wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear “I have a Swanson TV dinner in the freezer with your name on it.” Then I would fill your wine glass with Welch’s grape juice.”
“I would swim up the Amazon with 45 pound dumbbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen DeGeneres’s queef as my air supply if it meant I could eat a seafood dinner with you over Skype on a dial up internet connection.
“Dear Miss ,
After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories…. You will always have a special place in my heart.
You can keep the beach house in Blackpool as long as I can have the dog and my cd’s back.”
“Oh heavenly blessed beauty whose beauty is above and beyond anything I have witnessed in my 24 years of existence. Words cannot describe the feeling that pulsed through my penis when I laid upon your picture… I would swim across shark infested waters with open wounds, wrestle a crocodile with my arms bound behind my back and crawl on my hands and knees over sand paper, just to sniff a single pubic hair you shaved over a month ago. (assuming you are shaven)”
“My, my, who is this heavenly blessed beauty???
Introduce yourself, oh resolution of the divine, embodiment of Heaven’s purest angelic perfection, progenitor of Aphrodite’s DNA!”
“I would climb Mt. Everest using Snooki’s farts as my only air supply and a banana hammock as my only clothing if it meant that I could have cyber sex on Skype in Morse code on a dial-up connection in a VERY rainy day with the male nurse who happened to be in the delivery room when you were born”
I am a handsome prince who is looking for his princess. And who knows, maybe I have already found her.
If you are interested to get to know me, please, write me back soon and I will send you a detailed letter declaring my love.”
“If there was a nuclear apocalypse where only Jessica Alba and I survived and we were tasked with repopulating the world I would kill myself rather than force myself to fornicate with her because I know that our offspring would look like leprosy stricken monstrosities compared to the potential ones that could be made by a heavenly blessed beauty like yourself”
“The bad news is that when your friends ask, the answer is “No, I’m sorry…I don’t have a brother.” J
But that’s OK, because you’re the one I’m interested in knowing. Tell me though… when’s the last time you did something truly adventurous or spontaneous?”
“Hey, something about your profile caught my eye and I wanted to reach out. I think it was the fact that you seem like you might be more three-dimensional than your photos, which appears to be a rare quality among the attractive women on this site…
Anyway, you look like you could be an interesting person to get to know better, so tell me… If I ran in to a group of your best friends on my way to meet you and asked them what to expect, what would they say?”
“Hmm, I think I know you…
You’re the woman from the Cayman Islands… the agent whose acquaintance I made after surfacing my submarine near the Virgin Gorda… Your “save me from my sinking boat” routine was a clever ruse, I’ll give you that much…
I know you slipped a sedative into my caviar before you handcuffed me to the bedpost… But I can’t believe you took my parrot… I told you he’d never talk!!
I’m curious… What did you do with the diamonds and $100k in cash in those suitcases? Foreign bribes, plastic surgery, chocolate, or what?”
“So, a friend and I have this theory that the way a woman treats her nails has a lot to say about her personality. We’ve managed to isolate some commonalities, but only among our female friends. Some women keep them short and cut (the sporty/athletic type), never with much color, although sometimes glossed; others keep them long and natural, obsessive compulsively maintaining their color; others still keep them long, but not too long, and may have one or two broken ones, these women often have chipped/unmaintained color as well. There are many others, but for the sake of time…”
“I’m guessing that you’re a nail biter, and might even go so far as to wager that you use acrylic nails when the occasion calls for it. Am I right? If you tell me truthfully, then I’ll let you know what it says about you. It is for scientific prosperity sake after all.
I eagerly await your rebuttal. If I receive no response within two days, I accept victory.”
These online dating pick up lines will get you laughed at these days, but they have some elements that still “work” online. If you’re looking for some of the best online dating pick up lines known to man – check out the updated version of my book, The Tinder Template. Featuring 20+ online dating pick up lines, this guide will have you killing it on Tinder (or whatever online dating site you’re using) in no time!