These tales of dating in El Salvador are straight from my book – A Bachelor’s Guide to Central America.
7 Minutes To Heaven
Location: San Salvador, El Salvador – Well, I’m not sure I’d refer to the experience as heavenly. Slightly orgasmic, but heavenly – not so much. She came straight to the hostel off Tinder. She wasn’t hideous, but she certainly wasn’t one you’re bringing around the homies. After a brief greeting, she walked straight up to my room with me. As I glanced up her skirt as we made our way up the spiral staircase, I realized this wasn’t her first rodeo. She may have been a rodeo fanatic.
Once in the room, we sat on the bed and begin talking. She was fluent in English and had a nice personality. Her face was not boner inducing, but her breasts had me at half-mast as we chatted. A few minutes into the conversation, I started to sexualize things. She went right along with it. After finding out what turned her on and what her favorite sexual position was, I asked her if she was a good kisser. She claimed to be talented and I pounced.
We were making out about 7 minutes after meeting. Somehow her titties popped out a minute or two later. We were off to the races. Her breasts were gigantic and surprisingly much better shaped than I had imagined. I grabbed them and starting acting like a kid in the candy store. She began to unbutton my pants.
Unsurprisingly, my cock entered her mouth shortly thereafter. As she went to work with her mouth, I reached over and grabbed a condom from the desk. While a strong advocate of fearless raw dogging, we all have limits. Wrapping it up was a necessary evil with this one. I pulled my cock out of her mouth and slapped her on the side of the face with it a couple times. Still hung over, I wanted to amuse myself a bit before I came. She didn’t appreciate my boyish giggling while doing so, but I didn’t care.
I strapped up and pulled her panties to the side. She was sopping wet and we bumped uglies for a bit. I can’t say the sex was spectacular. My effort level was beyond low. A few thrusts in missionary and I flipped the chick on top of me. She rode until her legs started shaking and then I got bored. Flipping her into dogging, I hit her with a rabbit fuck until I came.
Post-coital, she knew the drill. There was no half-assed attempt to cuddle. Dating in El Salvador doesn’t have to be difficult. She rolled off the bed and threw her clothes on about a minute later. She tried to mumble something about not expecting that to happen, but I began to laugh. She was gone two minutes later. We hadn’t even spent 30 minutes together, from meeting to making sweet love to her exiting the hostel.
While I wouldn’t call our intercourse “7 minutes in heaven”, I did find the efficiency quite heavenly.
Bumping Uglies – Literally
Location: San Salvador, El Salvador – It pained me to write this. Remembering this traumatic experience actively had my penis recoiling inside me. While I’m normally a stringent follower of the “Boner Test”, this experience dating in El Salvador clarified exactly what that meant for me. And on an all too personal level…
I met her at the best nightclub in San Salvador on a Saturday night. Already wasted, I got bored once my buddy locked in with a pretty cute chick in the club. A few approaches went well, but nothing was sticking. I wasn’t here to get a number. I was there to fulfill a few animalistic urges fueled by testosterone and some cheap rum.
So I went over to the bar and kicked back. As my eyes wandered, I spotted a group of girls smiling at me from afar. One was cute, average, but cute enough. The other two were, well, lets just say they were nothing special. After another scanning of the room, I didn’t see any better options. I strolled over and they all giggled. Well, this shouldn’t be too tough I thought. Introductions were made and they were all trying to flirt with me. The cute one was reserved, one of the almost ugly ones was aggressive.
I didn’t like how this was playing out. Fast forward an hour or so and the aggressive one was feeding me drinks. Her flawless execution led to my demise. She knew she needed to get me drunk. By around two, I was hammered and she was grabbing my dick while attempting to shove her tongue down my throat.
I went to the bathroom and didn’t want to look myself in the mirror. Still, I couldn’t deny it was probably going to happen. She had a car and was willing to drive back to my hostel. We met my buddy, still with his chick, and we all went back to the crib. Pleasantries were ignored by all and rooms were entered instantaneously. I tried not to turn the light on, but she wanted to. I knew this was going to be problematic. I got a glimpse of her in the light and my arousal found no delight.
Being drunk, I almost threw up in my mouth, but she was here. She noticed my disdain and began unbuttoning my pants. Dammit. With my cock in her mouth, I was able to achieve an errection. This saddened me. A condom was grabbed and insertion was commenced. However, it didn’t last long. After five minutes and a few overly enthusiastic moans, I went limp. I looked down at my semi-flaccid penis. In doing so, I also got another look at her naked body. My penis went from semi-flaccid to completely limp.
The limp nature of things gave me an opportunity. I told her I was too drunk. She was saddened and offered her mouth to provide energy. I accepted. I decided if it was going to get hard again, I’d finish in her mouth. However, my plan was never needed. I, luckily, stayed completely flaccid as she went to town. After a few minutes, she gave up. Thank the lord. Exasperated, she rolled over and said something about the morning. Yeah…about that.
I quickly came to my senses. There was no way this wildebeest was staying the night. I began to mumble. Something about not being able to sleep with someone else in the room came out. She understood, but her disappointment was visible. She didn’t put up much of a fight though. I walked her out and gave her the side cheek as she went in for a kiss. Once rid of it, I hopped in the shower and scrubbed my genitally thoroughly. Five minutes of tooth brushing followed before I pasted out.
After a literal attempt at bumping an ugly, I passed out thoroughly disgusted with myself. Chalk it to the game.
If you enjoyed these tales of dating in El Salvador – be sure to check out my book, A Bachelor’s Guide to Central America. Click here to learn more.